Male Upgrade and a Fairy

[kdheart]

A silly essay that was supposed to be serious written for a class during a very boring Linguistics class (where John and Mary kept killing each other in various grammatical ways).  A very silly essay in which man is given an upgrade, fairys aren't good with people and the Guy Upstairs shouldn't go into computer programming.

I need a better mic and to learn how to say 'calendar'.

Male Upgrade and a Fairy

Relax, darling. Your remote is in the safe, along with your Playboy collection, your X-box, the 2TB flash drive that now houses your porn stash (Oh, shush! I didn't watch it, just transferred it), that six-pack you bought for later and anything that might distract you.

No, you're not dreaming and yes, I sparkle. What of it?

Who I am is of no importance. You can call me your Fairy Godmother (and if you crack a joke, I might just crack your skull).

Why am I here? I'll just install some new software and you'll be on your merry way. Call it an upgrade.

Now, where did I put that CD?

Aha! Here it is!

Stop twitching, dear! This will only take a few minutes. We just need to open you up here, just behind the ear… put in the CD and start installing the new software. There we go…

Would you please be quiet! No, this is not "some sort of twisted dream"! I already explained it was real. Ok! Ok! Keep your pants on! You want explanations? Here you go!

There was a glitch, you know? And you've been out of date for ages now. I'm here to manually update and upgrade you (Don't ask me, you're the one with the computers! I had to requalify to get this job). I'm fitting you with a calendar and an alarm. Now you'll never miss a birthday or anniversary ever again. Of course you did, you just never realized! The alarm is beer activated and will go off before the marker hits 'Jerk'.

Stop that! You can't just cancel in the middle of the process. Not after all the hard work that went into getting you here!

Here we go: second phase. We're adding the BasicSkills application. This should allow you to take care of most of the household work. It also includes Cooking (which used to work pretty well before Marriage was inserted and made it crash), Cleaningupv0.5… Takingoutthetrash still crashes but I'm pretty sure we got the right activation codes for Hearingthebabycryatnight this time round.

Yes, your wife works with more advanced versions of those programs, but we couldn't get her to work without fuel and it's nearly impossible to fit another pair of hands on your current design.

Look, this bit's fast to install – technical and mechanical abilities. I thought you'd like that.

You're welcome.

What now? This is taking for ever!

Oh, it's the new stuff - FemalePsychologyv5.32. There's still some bugs with this one, I hear.

Well, don't look at me like that! I didn't design her! 'sides, the faulty bits were taken off of you, in the first place. I don't see why that would be my fault.

Well… it should tune you in to the 6 different tones a woman usually uses to state her point. It even comes with a dictionary (you know, stuff like "we need to talk" = one of us blew it and it was probably your fault).

What do you mean misogynistic? It's what the dictionary actually says! Well, you'll just have to wait until the install is over. No, 'I have a head ache' really means 'I have a head ache'. When related to sex, it simply implies you're the one causing it.

Oh, don't start!

Look, it's almost finished. You'll thank me when it's over.

This… this hasn't happened before…

What error? Contact software manufacturer? Are they joking?

I'll… I'll just pop up to see the boss, ok?

We've told Him not to go into programming, but would He listen? Of course not.

Sorry for the inconvenience.