Male Upgrade and a Fairy

A silly essay that was supposed to be serious written for a class during a very boring Linguistics class (where John and Mary kept killing each other in various grammatical ways).  A very silly essay in which man is given an upgrade, fairys aren't good with people and the Guy Upstairs shouldn't go into computer programming.

I need a better mic and to learn how to say 'calendar'.

( Relax, darling. Your remote is in the safe, along with your Playboy collection, your X-box, the 2TB flash drive that now houses your porn stash  )